The Handy Captain

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Like brave Odysseus before me, I have emerged unscathed from a harrowing journey at the whims of old Poseidon’s trident!  Well, technically, at the whims of AK-47s pointed my direction by Somali pirates.  During a late February jaunt through the Gulf of Aden, these goons hijacked not just my ship, but my entire sports handicapping operation! And just as I was set to wrap production on my post-Super Bowl vlog entry!

Needless to say, these inferior handicapping captors lacked both the knowledge and the Bruckheimeresque production values that make me the leading provider of sports wagering related video content on the web today. Eschewing my advice, they bet mostly on locally owned horses and their favorite NBA teams, losing most of their loot in the process. It was then they attempted to exchange me for ransom, but had no takers.

Now I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically The Pentagon, having filed my own dossier under “pirate”, didn’t hesitate in ordering the Navy to open fire on my ship when these roustabouts refused to surrender. With my storied surplus of pyrotechnics on board, The Superfecta quickly submerged to Davy Jones’ Locker Room amidst a tsunamic explosion that after several days adrift, washed me onto the shores of Saudi Arabia. Long story short, I was discovered by some third cousin of the House of Saud . . . blah blah blah. . .he recognized me from my master tapes which he found amongst some debris two days prior. . .yada yada. . . I exchanged insider info on Arabian horses for a new laptop and now, after a two-and-a-half month delay, I give you my latest masterpiece.

Jack Frost nipping at your frozen assets? The cattle are lowing, but so is your credit score! Amidst the economic turbulence you’re desperate to put premium gift items underneath the tree this holiday season. But that’s no reason to get duped by that Ponzi scheme! No reason to compromise your integrity by selling that U.S. Senate seat! It’s Christmas all year long at Handy Captain.com and I’ve got your stimulus package right here!

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In the last two weeks my inbox has been flooded with emails from outraged bettors with their NFL licensed Zubaz© panties all in a bunch over the controversial ending to the Week 11 Pittsburgh / San Diego game. Sixty-six percent of the estimated $100 million wagered was bet on the 5-point favorite Steelers. Sadly, this means the vast majority of bettors were swindled by the refs for tens of millions of dollars. Consequently, I won’t be giving the NFL Referees Association another novelty-sized blank check this year!

The Chargers seemed a lock to cover while trailing 11-10 in the closing seconds when they commenced a series of lateral passes more farcical than Smokey and the Bandit 3. That’s when our homeric hero, Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, swooped in to recover a botched lateral and barreled into the end zone for a miracle, spread-covering touchdown. After initially awarding Pittsburgh the score, the officials convened and then errantly disallowed it, only to admit afterwards that the TD should’ve counted.

“The first pass was the one that was illegal, but it only kills the play if it hits the ground,” referee Scott Green said. “The rule was misinterpreted.”

Never mind that the play in question appears perfectly legal on replay. I find it downright befuddling that no member of this officiating crew knew this rule and that their ignorance of said rule was the basis for overturning a score they initially, and correctly, allowed to stand. Clearly, the fix was in. It’s evident that the NFL is trying to distance itself from Vegas, no doubt a fallout from the NBA’s recent point-shaving scandal. And what better way to discourage gambling than by fixing games in favor of teams heavily bet against?

Fans, rest assured I won’t let the NFL fleece you out of your hard-earned winnings! These are volatile economic times. How will you buy your boss’s plumbing business that you can’t afford if you can’t rely on legitimate touchdowns to count? As the foremost lobbyist in sports handicapping, I pledge to speak out on behalf of the most special interest of all, the sports betting enthusiasts!

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There’s no shortage of activists using this summer’s Beijing Olympics as a platform for protesting China’s human rights record. With my latest vlog entry, though, my cyber soapbox towers above all other demonstrators. That’s because I’ve teamed with the Beastie Boys to raise awareness of China’s egregious offenses through the release of our new hit single “Ill-ympic Gold”!
Download it now!

To support the Tibetans’ plight, visit SaveTibet.org, StudentsForAFreeTibet.org, FreeTibet.org, FreeTibet.net. . . Oh just Google it already. Unless Google blocks the search results to appease the Chinese government.

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Item! Casino Drive has been pulled from the Belmont! The Japanese owned entrant posed the greatest threat * to Big Brown’s Triple Crown quest, but was scratched this morning due to a bruise on his left hind hoof. A shame too, since he was the most formidable Japanese challenger in American sport since Takeru “The Tsunami” Kobayashi’s valiant attempt to out gorge a 1089-pound Kodiak Bear in a televised bunless hot dog eating contest * * .

But really, like the rest of the field, Casino Drive never really had a chance. Much has been made of Big Brown’s own ailment, a quarter crack on his left front hoof. I’m confident though, that trainer Rick Dutrow Jr. will shoot his horse up with enough drugs that he won’t feel anything except adulation when he crosses the finish line first.

With Big Brown’s victory a given, the only question now is how to ascend into the next tax bracket by wagering on this race. Of course exotic wagering is the answer. Here’s how I’m playing the Belmont:

Key Big Brown to win in a trifecta wheel with Denis of Cork, Tale of Ekati, Ready’s Echo, and Icabad Crane.

Ready’s Echo should be a great value play. He closed well to finish third in the Peter Pan Stakes at Belmont. The distance would figure to suit his running style and his Beyer Speed Figures have gotten better with distance in his last three races.

Tale of Ekati, like Ready’s Echo, has experience at Belmont, winning both of his starts there. He’s also fresh, as this is his first race since finishing 4th in a tough Derby field.

Denis of Cork and Icabad Crane can also handle the mile and a half distance. The former rallied to finish 3rd in the Derby while the latter has genes loaded with endurance.

* The threat was not great
* * I earned a handsome profit on that one, taking Kobayashi under 35 hot dogs

With all the negative publicity surrounding Thoroughbred Racing this week, you’d think the safest bet on today’s Preakness is a superfecta box involving the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

The focus should be on Big Brown’s chance to become the first Triple Crown winner since 1978. Instead, thoroughbred horse racing has become a magnet for controversy in the wake of Eight Belles’ tragic death at the Kentucky Derby. Many in the media would have you believe the sport is limping along on its last leg, hobbling toward the finish line, unable to dodge criticism from those who want to see it put down for good. Alarmingly, that group includes 38 percent of Americans who, according to a recent Gallup poll support an all out ban on horse racing*.

But fear not Thoroughbred enthusiasts, for horse racing will soon be on the mend when Big Brown wins the Triple Crown. After all, this is the sport of kings and for proof, look no further than the patrons of your nearest OTB. They’ll all feel like royalty today if they bet the Preakness as I do. Unless of course they get detained by police afterward for leaving their 9-week-old baby in the car while they watch the race inside the off-track betting facility.

Here’s how I’m playing the Preakness:

I’m keying Big Brown in a trifecta wheel with Gayego, Giant Moon, Kentucky Bear, and Yankee Bravo

I like Giant Moon based on his performance against elite competition in the Wood Memorial. His pedigree also suggests he can handle the distance and I blame his lousy race two back on the sloppy track.

Here’s hoping Gayego’s nightmare performance in the Kentucky Derby was an aberration. Plus, the competition in that race was head and shoulders above this Preakness field. I look for a performance from him today more akin to his win at the Arkansas Derby.

Kentucky Bear is inexperienced, but fresh, coming off a five week layoff. Also ran well in the Bluegrass, finishing 3rd behind Kentucky Derby entrants Monba and Cowboy Cal.

Yankee Bravo ran well against quality competition in the Santa Anita Derby and Louisiana Derby. The latter was noteworthy in that it was first trip on dirt.

*Interesting that only 21 percent are proponents of a ban on hunting.  Apparently a sizable portion of the populace finds racing animals to be inhumane, but has no problem with killing them for sport!

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2008 Kentucky Derby Picks

• Exacta Box:  Col. John, Big Brown, and Gayego

Put the most cash on this box, obviously rooting for Gayego to bump one of the favorites.

And for some real price plays:

• Gayego to win

• Recapturetheglory across the board

• Several superfecta combinations of Col. John, Big Brown, Gayego, and Monba

Although it wasn’t a Grade 1 race, really like Gayego coming off his win at the Arkansas Derby, where he beat out Z Fortune, recorded a 103 Beyer, and successfully made the transition to a dirt surface.  Whether or not he can go the distance is a concern.

Pyro was my most noteworthy omission. . .Polytrack or not, his lousy performance in the Blue Grass scared me away.  

Wifi connections are scarce near Sportsbooks, so no in-depth analysis for now. . .just trust me. I’ll be adding my picks to this blog entry each day.

Sweet 16, Thursday Picks

Washington St. vs. UNC - under 141.5

Xavier +1 vs. West Virginia

Xavier vs. West Virginia - over 136.5

Louisville -3 vs. Tennessee

Sweet 16, Friday Picks

Got 5 outta 5 yesterday after I took UNC in the 2nd half. I’ve changed my mind on the Stanford/Texas game which is being played in Houston.

Davidson +5 vs. Wisconsin

Davidson’s Stephen Curry over 22.5

Texas -2 vs. Stanford

Michigan St. +5 vs. Memphis

Read More »

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