The Handy Captain

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Like brave Odysseus before me, I have emerged unscathed from a harrowing journey at the whims of old Poseidon’s trident!  Well, technically, at the whims of AK-47s pointed my direction by Somali pirates.  During a late February jaunt through the Gulf of Aden, these goons hijacked not just my ship, but my entire sports handicapping operation! And just as I was set to wrap production on my post-Super Bowl vlog entry!

Needless to say, these inferior handicapping captors lacked both the knowledge and the Bruckheimeresque production values that make me the leading provider of sports wagering related video content on the web today. Eschewing my advice, they bet mostly on locally owned horses and their favorite NBA teams, losing most of their loot in the process. It was then they attempted to exchange me for ransom, but had no takers.

Now I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically The Pentagon, having filed my own dossier under “pirate”, didn’t hesitate in ordering the Navy to open fire on my ship when these roustabouts refused to surrender. With my storied surplus of pyrotechnics on board, The Superfecta quickly submerged to Davy Jones’ Locker Room amidst a tsunamic explosion that after several days adrift, washed me onto the shores of Saudi Arabia. Long story short, I was discovered by some third cousin of the House of Saud . . . blah blah blah. . .he recognized me from my master tapes which he found amongst some debris two days prior. . .yada yada. . . I exchanged insider info on Arabian horses for a new laptop and now, after a two-and-a-half month delay, I give you my latest masterpiece.

Jack Frost nipping at your frozen assets? The cattle are lowing, but so is your credit score! Amidst the economic turbulence you’re desperate to put premium gift items underneath the tree this holiday season. But that’s no reason to get duped by that Ponzi scheme! No reason to compromise your integrity by selling that U.S. Senate seat! It’s Christmas all year long at Handy Captain.com and I’ve got your stimulus package right here!

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There’s no shortage of activists using this summer’s Beijing Olympics as a platform for protesting China’s human rights record. With my latest vlog entry, though, my cyber soapbox towers above all other demonstrators. That’s because I’ve teamed with the Beastie Boys to raise awareness of China’s egregious offenses through the release of our new hit single “Ill-ympic Gold”!
Download it now!

To support the Tibetans’ plight, visit SaveTibet.org, StudentsForAFreeTibet.org, FreeTibet.org, FreeTibet.net. . . Oh just Google it already. Unless Google blocks the search results to appease the Chinese government.

With all the negative publicity surrounding Thoroughbred Racing this week, you’d think the safest bet on today’s Preakness is a superfecta box involving the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

The focus should be on Big Brown’s chance to become the first Triple Crown winner since 1978. Instead, thoroughbred horse racing has become a magnet for controversy in the wake of Eight Belles’ tragic death at the Kentucky Derby. Many in the media would have you believe the sport is limping along on its last leg, hobbling toward the finish line, unable to dodge criticism from those who want to see it put down for good. Alarmingly, that group includes 38 percent of Americans who, according to a recent Gallup poll support an all out ban on horse racing*.

But fear not Thoroughbred enthusiasts, for horse racing will soon be on the mend when Big Brown wins the Triple Crown. After all, this is the sport of kings and for proof, look no further than the patrons of your nearest OTB. They’ll all feel like royalty today if they bet the Preakness as I do. Unless of course they get detained by police afterward for leaving their 9-week-old baby in the car while they watch the race inside the off-track betting facility.

Here’s how I’m playing the Preakness:

I’m keying Big Brown in a trifecta wheel with Gayego, Giant Moon, Kentucky Bear, and Yankee Bravo

I like Giant Moon based on his performance against elite competition in the Wood Memorial. His pedigree also suggests he can handle the distance and I blame his lousy race two back on the sloppy track.

Here’s hoping Gayego’s nightmare performance in the Kentucky Derby was an aberration. Plus, the competition in that race was head and shoulders above this Preakness field. I look for a performance from him today more akin to his win at the Arkansas Derby.

Kentucky Bear is inexperienced, but fresh, coming off a five week layoff. Also ran well in the Bluegrass, finishing 3rd behind Kentucky Derby entrants Monba and Cowboy Cal.

Yankee Bravo ran well against quality competition in the Santa Anita Derby and Louisiana Derby. The latter was noteworthy in that it was first trip on dirt.

*Interesting that only 21 percent are proponents of a ban on hunting.  Apparently a sizable portion of the populace finds racing animals to be inhumane, but has no problem with killing them for sport!

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2008 Kentucky Derby Picks

• Exacta Box:  Col. John, Big Brown, and Gayego

Put the most cash on this box, obviously rooting for Gayego to bump one of the favorites.

And for some real price plays:

• Gayego to win

• Recapturetheglory across the board

• Several superfecta combinations of Col. John, Big Brown, Gayego, and Monba

Although it wasn’t a Grade 1 race, really like Gayego coming off his win at the Arkansas Derby, where he beat out Z Fortune, recorded a 103 Beyer, and successfully made the transition to a dirt surface.  Whether or not he can go the distance is a concern.

Pyro was my most noteworthy omission. . .Polytrack or not, his lousy performance in the Blue Grass scared me away.  

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